Tortallan Fairy Tales
by an anonymous geek
Summary: Another poor attempt at humor on my part. This time I actually worked up the courage to classify it as humor! Anyway, I guess you can tell from the title what it's about!


Tortallan Fairy Tales: Snow White

by an anonymous geek

A/N: okay so this is the first in a series of well known fairy tales with Tamora Pierce characters. Hope you like it.

disclaimer: if I was Tamora Pierce, I would have killed off Cleon and allowed Joren to live. . .

Cleon: HEY!

Joren: the girls always go for ME

Writer: shut up!

. . . so, you can see that I'm not Tamora Pierce, so therefore I don't own anything! Don't sue!

Act One

*cheesy music starts playing in the background*

Kel/Snow White: Soooome day my prince will come, some day my prince will come. . . sighs prince Joren, I love him so something clicks inside her head WHAT! JOREN? No way! I am NOT falling in love with Joren! Who wrote this stupid script??!!

Writer/director: zaps Kel

Kel: is zapped by the writer where was I? oh yeah, sooooome day my prince will. . .

[Elsewhere]

Lord Wyldon: while twirling his hair with his fingers Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest of them all?

Cleon/Mirror: Duh, Kel is.

Lord Wyldon: shrieks NOO! Why does Kel always have to be the prettiest! I'm pretty too! Well, I'll just have to kill her then! cackles muahahahahahahaaa!! Then I can be the prettiest! Yippee! skips around the room I'm so pretty, oh so pretty, I'm so pretty and witty and. . . hey, wait, wrong story! summons woodcutter

Raoul: You summoned me, my lady.

Wyldon: Yes. I need you to kill Kel, also known as Snow White. Make sure she's dead!

Raoul: Yes, my lady. 

[Back to Kel]

Kel: is kidnapped by Raoul Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

[In the forest somewhere]

Raoul: I can't kill her! She was my squire. That would be sooo wrong! I'm ditching this job! I quit! runs off, and leaves Kel, forgetting all about her

Kel: wakes up, with animals all around her. A random bird lands on her lap Crown?!

Bird: cheeps furiously

Kel: Crown, I thought you were dead!! hugs the bird to death

Crown: CHEEP! falls to the ground, dead

Kel: oops, well, I guess she's back to being dead. sighs Whatever.

Animals: glare at Kel

Kel: I didn't really mean to kill her!

Animals: give incredulous looks, then lead Kel to a cottage

Kel: Well, isn't this a cozy little cottage! walks in What a pigsty! Doesn't anyone here clean after themselves??!! DISgusting! starts cleaning up the cottage, but then gives up half way through. Suddenly gets very tired and yawns Nap time! collapses on the ground and falls asleep

[Somewhere else]

Dwarves (Neal, Roald, Merric, Faleron, Owen, Dom, and Vinson): sing songs, off key, might I add

Merric: Whistle while we work, whistle while we work!

Dom: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!

Neal: I looove you truly, truly, dear!

Dwarves, except Neal: stare at Neal

Neal: stops his singing his song What?

Writer: That's not in the script!!

Neal: I'm improvising!

Writer: zaps Neal

Neal: is zapped by the writer

Dwarves: return to their cottage

Neal: Whoa, this place is half cleaned!

Dom: It's a miracle!

Vinson: mutters things under his breath

Owen: There's a dead person on the ground!!! Isn't this jolly??!!

Dwarves: stare at Kel

Roald: I don't think she's dead yet.

Vinson: gets a nasty gleam in his eyes Soooo, let's kill her!

Dwarves, except Vinson: NO!

Neal: She's beautiful, yet somewhat familiar. starts composing poetry

Vinson: I still say let's kill her!

Everyone else: ignores him

Kel: wakes up Hey, guys! stands up Whoa, when did you guys get so short?

Dwarves: look at themselves and shriek in terror

Owen: Jolly!!

Other Dwarves: attack Owen

Owen: is attacked by the other dwarves

Kel: goes into her whole "Protector of the Small" stage and beats up all the dwarves but Owen Anyway. . .

Neal: Hey, were you the one who cleaned this cottage?

Kel: Yeah.

Merric: hey, why not just stay here and slave away for us?

Kel: thinks hey, that sounds like fun! Okay, I will.

Owen: Oooh, a slave dances around the cottage I've never owned a slave before! This is going to be sooo jolly!

All the other dwarves: stare at Owen, who is now break dancing

Owen: notices everyone staring at him and stops

[Elsewhere]

Wyldon: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest of them all?

Cleon/Mirror: Uh, still Kel, my rose, my dove.

Wyldon: shrieks WHAT? I thought she was dead! starts wailing like a baby

Cleon: Apparently, she isn't.

Wyldon: Shut up, you stupid mirror!

Cleon: Shuts up

Wyldon: Now that girl has REALLY ticked my off. Well, plan B!!!

Cleon: What's plan B?

Wyldon: Beats me!

Writer: THE POISON!!!!

Wyldon: I knew that. The Poison! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa. walks down to the dungeon like place, and turns into an old hag oh, this really ruins my complexion whenever I do this! eww. picks up a piece of broccoli MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA

[The dwarves' cottage]

Kel: cleans the kitchen, then hears a knock at the door, so walks over to the door and opens it, and sees an old hag Gee, are you ugly or what! Eww, you really should get plastic surgery or something!

Wyldon/hag: Shut up you stupid girl. . . I mean, you lovely girl, I brought something for you.

Kel: Really? What is it? I love presents!

Wyldon: hands over the broccoli

Kel: shudders I hate vegetables! Ewww! well, I always tell Neal to eat them, so I guess I'll have to eat this one. grimaces as she shoves the broccoli down her throat, then coughs, and then faints, and dies. well, I guess she's not dead, but she's under some weird some spell

Wyldon: hops around Yippee! Now I'm the prettiest!! runs out of the cottage

Act Two

[Outside cottage]

Animals: notice that Kel is dead, so they go to the dwarves

Dwarves: ACK!! Animals! Run! Hide! quickly run to hide around some rocks

Animals: are somehow able to communicate to the dwarves

Neal: Kel! She's dead!!!

Owen: NOOOOOOO. This is NOT jolly!

Dom: Let's go kill the murderer!

Vinson: Finally! I get to kill someone! Muahahahahahahaaa

Everyone else: YAY!

[A place with a lot of cliffs]

Dwarves: see Wyldon, so they chase him until he shrieks and falls off a cliff

Wyldon: shrieks and falls off the cliff

Dwarves: cheer

Neal: YAY! The Stump is dead at last!

Dwarves: return to the cottage, and then lay Kel's body down on a bench and start pretending to cry

Joren/Prince: comes out of nowhere, sees Kel, and grimaces I'm am NOT going to kiss her! I don't care what you do to me, but I will NOT kiss her!

Writer: zaps Joren

Joren: is zapped by the writer, and he kisses Kel, then he wipes off his mouth.

Kel: wakes up, then realizes that Joren kissed her, so she shrieks and tries to kill him

Writer: puts a spell on Joren and Kel

Joren: Kel, you're so beautiful!

Kel: And you're so handsome.

Joren: I am madly in love with you.

Kel: And I with you.

Joren: lifts Kel onto his horse and they ride off into the distance together

Narrorator/writer: And they lived happily ever after, that is, until the spell wore off.

The End 


End file.
